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Post by Jason Irving on Jan 10, 2010 22:05:50 GMT -6
 } Glaring coldly at the alarm clock beeping loudly beside the bed, Jason sighed unhappily before reaching up to smack it off. Pulling the covers over his head, he rolled on his back and just laid there for a few minutes. This was the day he had been dreading for a little while now; his first day back at his internship at the hospital. Everyone there was bound to know what had happened, that his fiancée had had a miscarriage and their son had died before he had taken his first breath. He didn’t want anyone’s sympathy. He honestly just didn’t want to talk about it; it was still painful. It would be quite sometime before he and Ana were over it and their relationship was suffering. Groaning quietly, he rolled out of the bed, looking more than simply tired. Turning back, he saw Annie’s sleeping form and a little pang shot through his heart. She was hurting and on top of his pain from losing Noah, seeing her hurt added to his own.
} He tried to drag out his morning routine, to make it last as long as he could. He knew there would be so many knowing faces at the hospital, so many sympathetic looks and kind words and he didn’t want to see or hear any of it. It was enough to make him want to call in and say he wasn’t going in, but he knew that wasn’t a brilliant idea. Turning on the shower, he ran a hand through his dark hair as he waited for the bathroom to steam up. He just wanted the day to be over so he could come back to his house and just start drinking again. He hadn’t the previous night since he knew he had places to be, and he hadn’t slept too well. He had been drinking enough to make his mind foggy so when he did sleep, it was typically dreamless. And without the aid of the alcohol, he hadn’t slept well, dreaming of their loss before he’d wake up in tears, unable to go back to sleep for an hour or so and when he did finally doze off, the cycle would start again.
} The young man’s dark eyes closed as he stepped into the shower, the hot water waking him up a bit more. Behind his closed eyes, he felt the tears welling up again and fighting them back did nothing; they came anyways, mixing in with the water and streaming down his face. Opening his eyes up again, he fumbled for the shampoo bottle through his blurred vision, rushing through his shower instead of taking longer as he had planned. After drying both his body and his eyes, he continued on with his typical morning routine; brushing his teeth, getting dressed, before he began to fumble with his contacts before finally giving up and grabbing his plain glasses. Giving a little shake of his head, he sighed before he headed into the kitchen to feed their dogs. Usually Ana’s large great dane would make him laugh by doing something or another only the large dog could do, but today it didn’t even make him smile. After filling up both dog’s food dishes, he gave them both a gentle pat before opening his fridge, staring in it for a moment and closing it again. He grabbed a granola bar from one of the cabinets and shoved it into his pocket before snatching his keys out of a little basket on the counter and opening the garage door.
} Climbing into the driver’s seat of his sleek, silver car, Jason just sat their for a moment, running a hand through his hair. All he wanted to do was go curl up on his couch for the day, not face all of the people at Valkyrie’s hospital and what they might have to say. Maybe they’d feel like it was best to pretend like they didn’t know what had happened, and if that’s what they thought, then they were right. He didn’t want anyone’s sympathy. Or rather, he simply didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe if he and Ana talked about it, they wouldn’t be so distant, but they both preferred to clam up. Taking a deep breath, he turned on the Mercedes and put it in reverse, backing out of his garage and heading down the street. This was going to be quite a long day.
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} By noon Jason had managed to avoid a good amount of potential I’m sorry’s and If there’s anything I can do…’s by quickly excusing himself anytime someone who looked rather sympathetic approached him with some excuse or another that just seemed to pop in his head. Oh, he knew he didn’t even look like himself, much less act the way he usually did. Instead of clothing with a splash of color, of his personality, he had picked out a plain white shirt to go with his black pants and black tie, something that typically wouldn’t draw attention to someone, but compared to the colors he’d typically wear, it was turning a few concerned heads. That, along with his glasses and his tendency to avoid eye contact was far from the typical Jason his friends and colleagues at the hospital knew.
} After walking past the break room a couple times, glancing in to see if anyone was in there, he found it empty and slipped inside, sinking into the closest chair to the door that couldn’t be seen if somebody just walked by. The last thing he wanted was for someone to corner him. Resting his elbows on the table, he pulled his glasses off and set them beside him, pressing his palms into his eyes. It was so hard to be around all the kids, the ones simply in and out of the hospital, and it was nearly impossible for him to have his normal sense of humor around them. He had smiled once throughout the entire morning and it had been a small, forced smile. It had felt completely off, completely wrong. Why should he be smiling for any reason when his world had nearly completely fallen apart around him? Ana was the only piece that was still whole and it was for her he was still doing his best in class instead of falling apart and picking back up next year as he so badly wanted to. And even that piece was on shaky ground.
} Giving a little sigh, Jason pulled his hands away from his eyes and put his glasses back on. Remembering the granola bar he had grabbed earlier, he fished the now partially squished and crumbling bar from his pocket and set it on the table in front of him, ripping it open and picking a bit at the pieces that had fallen off, not at all hungry. Glancing up as he saw somebody walk in, his heart sank when he saw one of his close friends walk in, one he had somehow managed to avoid seeing all morning. Well, he was cornered now. There was no way he was going to escape her without something being said.
_________________________tagged . sarai montgomery word count . 1,193 wearing . somebody tell me whydriving . Mercedes Benzlyric credts . keith urban and brooks n dunn
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Post by Sarai Montgomery on Jan 11, 2010 0:10:30 GMT -6
 SARAI JORDANA MONTGOMERYVALKYRIE HOSPITAL, BREAK ROOM, DECEMBER 2007[/font][/center] -----the mood of a hospital tends to change when a member of the family is effected. no matter how much you try to remain detached, some part of you always remains with that person. you feel what you don't want to feel, you pity when you'd love to do anything but pity. doctors are taught to lose that portion of themselves. they detach themselves from their patients in order to never get emotionally involved. because when emotions get involved, things get dangerous. but when the person in that emergency room or the person on that operating table is one of your own, or effects one of your own, keeping your emotions out of the picture is next to impossible. the same could be said for the staff of valkyrie hospital. everyone felt jason irving's loss, even those interns or residents who knew little of him. the hospital was a community. you worked with these people, trusted them to make the right judgments at the right times, you needed these people and thus came to love them as one of your own. even if at the end of a surgery you hated them, at some point there is a time when you care more than you ever should. that time was now.
-----sarai was known for being all emotions. it was both her strength and her downfall because she believed so much in the ability to save a person. she worked hard at every turn to save every life she could, starting with the patient who couldn't really speak for themselves. sarai was a baby fanatic, she really was. she understood children in a way that made pediatrics seem like her calling. she could get the 'owies' and the 'boo-boos' identified and fixed almost twice as fast as an intern with reasonable patience. it was just what she did. needless to say that she'd been working the night that jason irving and his fiancee had come in with labor pains. what happened after that, was just awful. to lose a child...well sarai didn't know how it felt in all honesty. she'd never lost a child before, never been pregnant or even had sex, but she did in fact know what it felt like to watch something you couldn't control, and she did know what it felt like to be so attached to that one little soul. sarai'd lived her life practically without her own say or control of the matter. it'd happened without her knowledge when she was a child, it happened with her mother, and she was relatively sure there was plenty in between that she hadn't known about. and boy did she feel everything for ainsley, her four year old sister who sarai had practically adopted as her daughter. ainsley was living with her now, in one of the spare rooms of sarai's new house. that little girl was a blessing to sarai's life. though a few little things had to be rearranged, it meant the world to sarai that she could spend time with her sister and make up for the time she'd lost while her mother was busy dragging her around exotic islands and slapping her in bikinis.
-----but that was all for another time. no one really knew about sarai's...extracurriculars? or if they had known, no one had ever spoken a word to her about it. it was the one mother-induced event that sarai wished she could completely undo. the bikinis, the hours in front of cameras, the constant badgering, the complete draining of any ounce of sarai's confidence, spending endless days in the presence of her mother, and last but not least, her mother's sad attempt to whore her out to a photographer as a thank you for the shoot. honestly it was one of the worst periods of time in sarai's life and she wanted no such reminders of it coming back to haunt her now that she had a decent, normal job. of course her superiors knew, anyone who did a background check on her would find the pictures, but thankfully her grades and her extensive explanation made the situation just a little more tolerable. no one knew that it was her in those pictures, no one had made the connection, and if sarai had her way not a single soul would figure that out.
-----sarai hadn't seen jason all day which unnerved her. usually the two of them worked together, both with a love of children. for sarai is was at least her calling, but jason had a child of his own to look forward to before this. now, god how horribly painful could it be to even look at a child? she could understand why she hadn't seen him in peds. had something happened to ainsley, sarai was pretty sure she'd react similarly. still she knew that jason was working. she'd seen him on the schedule without a change in his workday so she knew he was showing up. throughout the morning she'd tried to keep a lookout for him. she knew it was tough, had to be tough. not only did he suffer a terrible loss, but everyone i the hospital knew about it. they all probably watched him with those sad eyes that did worst that words of condolences. honestly how could a person stand for that? by the time noon rolled around, sarai got used to the idea that she just wasn't going to see him. she focused all of her attention on the two year old boy who sat in a blue plastic chair to the side of the examination room, picking at a scab as his mother scolded him. "the cough doesn't worry me. it sounds just like the beginnings of a cold, but if you'd like us to run a test i can make sure that happens. i'd just stick to a regimen of washing hands regularly, drinking lots of fluids, preferably juices, and chewable vitamins. after that he should be fine. if you feel things get worse you can always stop in and we'll take a deeper look." she said with a smile, attempting to soothe the mother's fears. boy did she understand that. any cough of ainsley's was like a slap of worry to the face. it was hard for just a sister to bear, let alone a mother.
-----she'd said goodbye to the pair and let a nurse finish up with the paperwork as she walked up to the nurses station and turned in the chart for filing. "i'm going to go on my lunch break." she told the head nurse, hearing something about jason being in there. she nodded and headed into the room, noticing that he was indeed in the break room. man the nurses really did see everything. she walked inside and grabbed her lunch from her locker before she sat down at the table and took a good look at him. boy he looked terrible, but wasn't that to be expected? "you know i was never good with timing or anything and that probably still stands true now, but if you ever need to talk you've always been able to come to me, that hasn't changed." she opened up her bag and pulled out a sandwich, unwrapping it and breaking off a piece with her fingers. "for what it's worth, the pain will dull." she said again to break the silence. "everyone says they're sorry but it doesn't help, hell it usually just reopens the wound, but the one thing that i am certain of, the only bit of peace i can offer, is that one day the pain will dull. one day you'll be able to breathe for the first time as if there wasn't some huge weight pushing down on you. it'll never fully leave, but at least one day you'll be numb." crappy advice from the worst of inexperienced of people, but it was really all that she could give her friend. sarai only wished that it would somehow help.
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status • finished
words • 1591
tagged • jason !
clothes • scrubs, with matching pink pants.
listening to • -- - --
notes • so sad. i hope that sarai can help even the littlest bit.
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Post by Jason Irving on Jan 11, 2010 10:38:34 GMT -6
} He forced out a half smile when he told him he had her to turn to. “Thanks,” he murmured, unsure if he wanted to talk about it or not. Though the way he could be, he’d clam it up for a short while before spilling everything. He simply couldn’t help it; he tended to over think things and voicing those thoughts to somebody close always seemed to help as they would simply point out he was thinking of the very worst that could happen. Some might even call him slightly paranoid if they could read his thoughts, though he hadn’t always been like that. It had developed over the summer, after the awful breakup with his Anabel and especially a few months later, when she decided to offer to start things over. His fear was that he would lose her again and he didn’t want that to happen, especially if it was his fault as it had been previously.
} “I know,” Jason said hardly above a whisper when Sarai told him the pain would eventually fade. “I just want to know if it’s going to fade the right way or if it’s going to make me numb to everything.” No, he had never lost a child prior to this, but he had felt a similar heart-shattering pain over the summer when after the car crash he had been in had to a series of incidents that led Ana to call a break with him. Another, much shorter series of incidents, led him to cheat on her over that time when they were apart and the pain of seeing her walk in on him with a red head half naked on top of him had been so similar and yet so very different from the pain he was in now. That had been something he could have prevented if he had wanted to, this, on the other hand, there was nothing he could have done. The other pain he had felt had come so close to completely numbing him and he was almost sure it would have if Ana hadn’t stepped in. “It just-” he faltered, sighing before continuing. “It just makes you feel like such an awful parent, if you could even call it that, when your child doesn’t get to take his first breath.”
} He picked at the loose granola for a moment more, stopping as she continued on, his dark eyes closing as he took a few long breaths, choking back tears. Men weren’t suppose to cry, but he did far too frequently lately. And even with good cause this didn’t seem like the place to. There were too many all-knowing faces around and he didn’t need more sympathy. As she said, it tended to hurt more than help. It seemed to always be when he was slowly starting to feel just an ounce better he’d run into an apology and put him back where he had been that morning when he woke up. And of course it was hard to start numbing his mind with work when his work was with other kids. Luckily, he hadn’t been around many that day, but each one he had seen was like a dagger to his heart. “I know it won’t be like this forever, but when that day does eventually come, will it be with or without Ana?” he said slowly, his eyes once again fixed on the pitiful lunch he had brought with him, not that he ever ate much when he was upset. “We hardly speak now and it feels like I’m losing her, too.” He knew it was probably to be expected whenever any couple like them lost a child, but it certainly didn’t help matters. Oh, he wanted to try anything to just get half of a smile out of her, but neither one of them had the heart to say much and when one did, the conversation never really lasted long. And previously, they had always fallen asleep with her in his arms, but now they seemed to sleep back to back, Jason not having the heart to put his arm around her because when he did, it just wasn’t the same. She didn’t curl up against his body like she use to, her smaller form fitting against his, somehow even when she had been pregnant. So instead, he faced the wall, his arms wrapped tightly around his chest like he could protect his heart from anymore pain.
} “And I feel like what happened is partially my fault, because it was such bad timing there were a couple time where I had simply wished this happened if not a few years, just a few months down the road instead of now, so if she was pregnant prior to the wedding, she wouldn’t be showing. If I just hadn’t thought that…” he gave a little shake of his head, regretting each moment he had been nervous or unsure about having a little one in the house. He let out a deep sigh. “I know, I know, it sounds stupid.” But it didn’t really matter if it sounded stupid to anyone, he had become started blaming himself for every little thing that went wrong over the summer and this was no little matter. “Or if I hadn’t let her in the, the nursery while I was painting it or just something small like that. Then this wouldn’t have happened.” After he said that, he assumed that like most of his other friends he had voiced other problems to, they would tell him to stop blaming himself. Especially now when there was absolutely no way to know if something he had or hadn’t done would have prevented the loss of their baby. Giving a small shake of his head, he shrugged and slightly changed the topic. “You know, there was this one little girl I saw today, she couldn’t have been older than four or five and she was just the sweetest thing. Bright blue eyes and long blond curls. Absolutely adorable. And it just, just made me wonder what Noah might have been like when he was that age, what he would’ve looked like.” The hurt in his tone was very evident as his voice cracked and he let out another long sigh, his eyes staring blankly in front of him.
} As he began again, there was a distinct fear in his voice. “And what if it happens again?” Now he was simply voicing the worst case scenario that could possibly happened after he had gone through this awful experience. “I just don’t know what we’d do if it happened again…” Shaking his head, he crumpled up the granola bar he had scarcely touched and stood up to throw it away, before he returned to his seat and looked over at Sarai. “There’s all these risks that come with pregnancy that we know about and yet like every other awful thing in this world, we swear it won’t happen to us and when it does, it makes all of those awful outcomes seem all to real.”
_________________________tagged . sarai montgomery word count . 1,180 wearing . somebody tell me whynotes . aw. she will, talking always helps him, even when he doesn't want to.
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Post by Sarai Montgomery on Jan 13, 2010 0:34:45 GMT -6
SARAI JORDANA MONTGOMERYVALKYRIE HOSPITAL, BREAK ROOM, DECEMBER 2007 [/font][/center] -----sarai wanted nothing more than to be there for jason in part because of what he'd been through, but mostly because she was one of his good friends and it was part of the job description to be there for friends. true that some others wouldn't take friendship to the kind of extremes that sarai had the tendency to take, but then again she also made a point to make good, lifelong friends that she knew would be around her for a decent amount of time. sarai wasn't the kind who wanted to surround herself with people just to have a group. she didn't surround herself with people just to get the feeling that she was wanted. when sarai made friends with a person she believed in them completely. she was there for them at any turn and had no expectations for them. she was the aid, the person in the background giving advice or a thumbs up of encouragement. she was the kind of person who would be your jimeny cricket. she was both your conscience and your greatest confidant. sarai had no judgment, she simply wanted the best for someone she cared about. that was all there was to it. that was why being there for jason, sitting beside him in such pain and trying to offer some words of encouragement wasn't like a chore to her. she felt everything whole-heartedly and all she wanted was for jason and his fiancee to find their way back to happiness. what they'd gone through was one of the worst things that couples could go through besides such things as separations or divorces and though it hurt, if they could get over it together it would make them that much stronger. though it was hard to believe, sarai had seen it. she hadn't experienced it, but she'd seen couples eventually overcome something as devastating as losing a child. they smile again, they live again, and they love again, as long as they do it together.
-----sarai winced slightly as jason spoke again. "well you'll numb, but you're the only one who can control just how numb you get. you can feel everything till it fades or you can feel nothing." sarai leaned into the table, resting her elbows on the tabletop as she glanced at him. god, to think of all that might be going through his mind. sarai couldn't even fathom it. there was so much pain, so much blame. there had to be some way to fix it. sarai wasn't sure that that was really her job, but while jason was here she would offer him whatever he would take. "i can understand that it's absolutely devastating, but none of this is your fault. i hate to point out statistics, but there are a lot of couples who have miscarriages during their first pregnancy. this was just a feat of nature. it had nothing to do with what you did or what you should or shouldn't have done. as much as you want to blame yourself, this was simply nature. i swear to you..." he had every reason to doubt, really he did, but it hurt sarai to hear those words that she couldn't help but interject. "it will be with ana. i have to believe that, because this will not break you. jason i know you're stronger than this. you two will come out of this. it's too recent for you to see the possibility of being happy again, but it's there. it's so close."
-----sarai wished there was more she could do for them, but this really was a problem between jason and ana. sarai could help, but there was only so much that she could do before she was interfering and doing more harm than good. "give her a little time to come to terms with everything. soon enough she'll be looking for you. she needs you jason, she's just in so much pain that she can't see it right now. but you need to stick around. you need to be there when she begins looking for you or things will be that much harder." though sarai spoke like she'd been through it, she really hadn't. as far as miscarriages were concerned sarai was one of the most inexperienced people to speak to. still...she had to try. if sarai walked away from this saying that she didn't do all that she could, then she would have not only failed jason, but she would have failed herself. she was a healer, she had to do all that she could, even if that healing was only in the conscious mind and not the body. she still had to try. it was just her nature.
-----she put her sandwich down on the resealable bag she'd pulled it from as jason spoke about being to blame. "don't you dare." she said sternly, surprising herself by her own reaction. "jason this was not your fault. wishing that this would have waited would not have caused this. like i said before, it's simply nature. nature doesn't have ears. nature works just in biological terms, all science. no amount of well wishing or otherwise would have changed this, just like condolences don't change how you feel now." it didn't sound stupid. any sane person would blame themselves at least once for something happening. hell, even though she was preaching about it, sarai blamed herself for everything under the sun. her mistakes with tony, her mistakes with her mother, missing out on two years of her sister's life, though a lot of it wasn't her fault, she still felt as such. blaming herself was the easiest way to cope with such bad events in her life. that didn't mean that what happened was her fault, or would have been easier or better if she'd blamed someone else. "the likelihood of that happening again is slim. unless she has a disease that keeps her from conceiving there is always the chance for another. millions of couples have successful births. you can too. you've just hit a speed bump first." she scooted her chair slightly closer to his, taking his hand as she glanced at him. "you're better than all of this doubt jason. so there was one mistake. you can only go uphill from here."
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status • finished
words • 1303
tagged • jason !
clothes • scrubs, with matching pink pants.
listening to • never let you go - jakaranda
notes • yay he opened up. that makes her happy.
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Post by Jason Irving on Jan 13, 2010 19:50:46 GMT -6
} Jason was thankful for Sarai’s friendship. They had a lot in common when it came to making friends; they both tended to be there for their friends whenever a shoulder to cry on was needed and willing to help make that person smile again, whatever it took. She was the only person he had really spoken to about what had happened, though he knew most, if not everybody, at the hospital knew. It helped him open up whenever somebody said something more than I’m sorry, but when they opened up and made it clear that they were willing to listen. Jason wasn’t one to just dump his problems on anybody who spoke to him; he hated to add his baggage onto other people’s shoulders. Usually he’d test the waters, so to speak, and see what made them cringe and as soon as he saw their face change slightly, he’d clam up and change the subject, if at all possible, or find some way to slip away and avoid them for a while. But with Sarai, things were different. He knew that he could go to her with anything, but he just wasn’t the sort of person to go looking for someone to lean on, he’d usually let them come to him.
} He nodded his head just slightly when she said he was in control of how numb he became, knowing that to keep from turning away from everything, he’d have to lay off of the alcohol that was once again slowly becoming an addiction for him. The first shot of whiskey he took that night he came home from the hospital had been such a relief for what his body had been subtly craving for a few months. He hated what he did, but it was an aid in the numbing process, not necessarily making him forget what had happened, but pulling him just slightly away from reality, at least until he woke up the next morning. And what a sleep aid it was. He had found that out last time he started drinking; if he drank enough, he wouldn’t dream at all. And when his dreams tended to bring his pain into his unconscious mind, it was a relief to not have to focus on that pain both awake and asleep. That addiction, though, could all too easily become his downfall. Ana had already made it clear she wanted him to stop and though he had, he just found the hurt easier to deal with when the alcohol was infesting his system. There had been one night over the summer, the first night he had seen Ana since she broke things off, that he drank so much he could have killed himself. He didn’t want that to happen again, simply because if Ana did need him to turn to, the last thing she needed was for him to be fighting for his life in a hospital bed because he had one too many shots of whiskey trying to drown the pain of losing Noah.
} Jason’s eyes glazed over a bit as she mentioned the statistics, knowing how true it was. He of all people should know seeing where he was currently working, but when it wasn’t a stranger in the hospital, it was so incredibly different. But still he doubted himself. According to studies, when parents lose a child, they’re likely to turn away from each other and actually blame each other a little bit for their loss, but Jason was one of the exceptions; he placed no blame on Ana, it was all what he could have done to protect them. After all, that was his job, right? Being “the man of the house” meant that he was suppose to protect his family and what a terrible job he had done at that. “I know that,” he murmured quietly, with a little shake of his head. “But the statistics just seem to be a number on paper until you become one of those numbers. You know that but until it affects you, they don’t matter.” His glazed over eyes looked up to meet Sarai’s for really the first time when she said Ana would be at his side. He wanted so badly to ask how she knew that, why she believed he was so strong when he himself didn’t believe it. He ran from his problems, that’s how he ended up in Valkyrie. His girlfriend of two years had called it off and he had fled New York that very same day. He had been tied down with a house when Ana had left him, with good reason, of course, but he had still tried to run, this time without going anywhere. He was still trying to run, once again using alcohol. That wasn’t the sort of thing a strong sort of person would do, was it? Biting his bottom lip, he kept the thoughts to himself, clamming up again as she told him to give Ana a little space. His voice wavered a bit as he spoke. “I’m not going anywhere. Unless she wants me to. That’s for sure.” He loved her far too much to just walk away. But if she did end up wanting him to leave, he knew he would be turning numb against everything, not just the hurt that losing their son had caused. It sounded a bit dramatic, but he knew if that did happen, he wouldn’t want to find somebody else to fall for. He would be too afraid of the pain.
} He sighed, staring off into space again when she told him it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t help it; it just seemed like his wishes had come true in a twisted way and he felt awful for it. It hadn’t been that he didn’t want Noah, it had been that he was terrified simply because of the timing. “I know religion and science don’t go together at all, but what kind of a god would do that to someone?” he asked quietly, his voice shaky. He remembered how when he arrived home from the hospital that night how he had torn the cross necklace his parents had got him for Christmas off of his neck and threw it in the back of one of his drawers. Only a few drinks in, sobbing, he asked himself what kind of god would allow a couple to get pregnant way before they were ready just to rip the child from their grasp? Was it some sort of twisted lesson? That had been the night he stopped believing and it would take a miracle for him to ever believe again. There wasn’t a god that had saved his life after the car wreck, that had purely been luck that the ambulance got there when it did and his body refused to go into shock when it should have. “It’s ridiculous to see all these people wasting their time in church and having wars over religion. There is no god,” he said coldly, though he was still quiet. He bit his lip, feeling bad for bringing up something so off topic, his eyes turning to look at Sarai again, a bitter, humored look crossing his face. “We all know my luck. We’ll probably never be able to have kids again,” he sighed, shaking his head as he felt the tears prick at his eyes again. His eyes fell to where she rested her hand on his, still fighting back tears as he sighed again. “I hope you’re right.”
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Post by Sarai Montgomery on Jan 14, 2010 17:36:16 GMT -6
SARAI JORDANA MONTGOMERYVALKYRIE HOSPITAL, BREAK ROOM, DECEMBER 2007 [/font][/center] -----it was so hard to be a witness to this and really have no insight as to how things could get better. sarai didn't know from personal experience, if any of what she was spouting to jason was true, but she certainly hoped that it was. here was a guy, a friend of hers, trying to not only marry a woman he loves, but settling with the fact that he was starting a family earlier than expected when thing just all of a sudden took a turn for the worst. who really went through all that and could tell you from personal experience? not little miss sheltered. sarai had lived her life cooped up in her home avoiding people after her best friend had up and disappeared. she really wasn't the best person to be taking advice from. at all. sarai spent her life sheltered. if it wasn't being super protected by her father it was hanging out with one friend who always had her back. she'd never had to go through anything remotely as difficult and as heart wrenching as what jason was going through aside from what her mother had done to her and sarai hardly felt as if that was close. how could it be? sarai had never cared about her mother. she'd never given a damn about lucille except for what she could possibly have in store for her next. but all of that had ended on her eighteenth birthday. after sarai's little kiss off to her mother, she'd never seen her again. aside from a little day to day drama, sarai had endured nothing even close to the loss of someone close to you. losing touch with lucille was a blessing. after all. she had made sarai's life a living hell.
-----thankfully that was all part of the past. though it was behind her, sarai had the chance to move on because she wasn't reminded of what happened every day. jason on the other hand, he'd most likely see it every time he saw ana. unless he changed his way of thinking about the whole situation, he was only going to hurt every time he saw her. sarai couldn't stand to let that happen. "yes, the statistics were always there. and you never thought to consider them because it hadn't been an issue before. well it's an issue now. but the chances of it happening again are slim. i promise." she fought the urge to hug him the moment she saw all that pain in his eyes. it was unreal how a person could even survive with that kind of pain, much less continue living. "i can assure you that she's going to need you, but you're going to have to be strong for her. i hate to say this in such a rough time, but you're going to have to pull a lot of the weight if you want the pair of you to get out of this intact. i'd hate to see you get this far only to strike out now."
-----it truly wasn't his fault. the first thing to do, one of the first stages of grieving is blame. whether you blame yourself or blame someone else, there is still that blame that lingers and keeps you from moving on. "jason the first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. even if it was your fault, beating yourself up like this does nothing but hurt the situation. you just need to find a way to move on so you can be there for ana. blame only keeps that pain in your mind, the sooner you can understand that regardless of whether it was inevitable or not, it still happened, the sooner you can get back to ana and move on together." god she sounded like dr. freaking phil. suddenly like a light going off in her head, sarai nodded to herself. "maybe you should go see someone, and talk to them about this. i mean professionally. i'm not saying you're crazy or that you can't get past this on your own, but i think if you two were to openly talk to each other about your feelings in the presence of a professional, well maybe that would help." she was prepared to have her idea shot down. after all, who wants to sit around and discuss their feelings with a stranger, or feel the need to talk to a stranger to begin with? it was a lot to take in. sarai just hoped that maybe he would consider it, and maybe consider talking it over with ana. who knows, maybe this could help them.
-----sarai listened intently as jason started going on about a cruel god, sighing as she grasped his hand tighter. "blaming some higher being isn't going to help. if he does exist. he wouldn't pick and choose to be cruel to just one person. this is just a sign that this time you weren't ready. next time, well next time will be completely different. if you'd like, when you try again, i'll get you in touch with specialists. my father knows some of the best in the country and i'm sure one of them owes him a favor. that way when the pain wears away, you'll be able to try again with a supervised pregnancy." sarai could see the beginning of tears in his eyes and blinked fighting back some of her own. "it will be okay. i can't promise that it'll come soon, but i know that some day you're going to b okay."
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status • finished
words • 1160
tagged • jason !
clothes • scrubs, with matching pink pants.
listening to • just can't live a lie - carrie underwood.
notes • so sad!
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Post by Jason Irving on Jan 15, 2010 11:26:24 GMT -6
} He simply nodded his head as Sarai talked about the statistics, wondering if maybe he’d find some sort of relief in the numbers that hadn’t had much of a meaning not to long ago. He doubted that relief would come for quite some time, but it was kind of nice to know that he had those numbers on his side even if that side happened to be clouded over with misery. Still, he knew his luck and it almost always agreed with the slim statistics. Once again, his head just nodded as she spoke, knowing every word she said was true. Maybe it was just the way he tended to think or maybe it was true, but he was beginning to think that he shouldn’t be suffering from this pain as much as Ana was; he hadn’t been the one carrying the baby or who had to deliver a child still as stone. All he had done was stand by her side through the whole ordeal, there was no way he could truly understand the pain she felt no matter how hard he tried. Sure, there was proof that a sympathetic husband’s brain associated with his wife’s pain, but there was no way that he could even begin what that felt like. Finally, he met her eyes again, his tone wavering as he spoke. “I know, everything you’re saying makes sense, but it’s so much easier said than done.” He knew from the past that letting that blame linger only made him hurt worse, though that had truly been his fault, there was no other way around it. If nothing else, he could pull himself together for Ana’s sake and be that strong, study pillar that she had to lean on, even if it was hollow inside for a while. He knew sooner or later a hollow pillar would fall, but he hoped it would be enough to pull hold Ana up until she could stand on her own, then he could worry about himself.
} An uneasy, almost nervous look flickered across his face for a half of a second before it faded away when she mentioned talking to a professional about it. Ana had suggested that long ago, when he had been having awful nightmares about his wreck months after it happened and though he had quickly dismissed the idea, things had turned out for the worse when he had done that. He gave a little shrug, turning his gaze down to his fingers as he began to fiddle with them a bit. “Seeing a shrink is the last thing I want to do,” he said rather bluntly, his tone completely flat. “I mean, some employers find that out and regardless of why you were there, they immediately think you’re crazy and in professional fields - especially one like this-” he nodded his head towards the door. “-well that’s the last thing they want. And I don’t have a backup plan if that happens. This is something I enjoyed doing and it would bring in enough to support a family, if we ever end up having one, without any struggle.” He gave a small shrug, not noticing that by the way he had worded things, it made it sound like he no longer enjoyed working around kids, though for the time being, it hurt. “But…” he started out slowly, his hopeless eyes locked on the table in front of him. “If you really think it would help, maybe I’ll bring it up to Ana tonight or tomorrow. I’d do anything just to get her through this.” As he mentioned her instead of us, he caught it, but let it go. If he could get Ana to really smile again, then he would be able to move on even though it would probably take both of them so, as Sarai said, they could move on together. It would be much, much harder, if not impossible, for them to move on separately when one was still trapped in grief.
} His eyes hardened a bit when she said blaming a god or whatever higher being there was would do no good, though he said nothing. Yes, she was right that the blame wasn’t going to help, but didn’t most religions believe that their god controlled life and death on the earth? That without that god, there would be no world to live in? He no longer believed in anything he had learned Sunday after Sunday growing up. It was all a lie, people trying to give a meaning to the afterlife so that they weren’t so afraid of death. His expression changed, clearly surprise when she brought up the idea of specialists. Even working in a hospital the thought had never occurred to him. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt…” he said slowly, a tiny hint of a sad smile pulling at the corners of his lips. “I mean, I don’t even know when…if ever…we’re going to try again, but that would be great,” he said with a little sigh, the pathetic smile sliding off of his face. He had always wanted kids, but with the pain of losing one so fresh in his mind, trying again just wasn’t something he wanted to do. Giving yet another little sigh, he focused on the plain, dull pattern of the wall as his tone turned from a slightly optimistic one to much more pessimistic. “But if something did go wrong, they’d just catch it sooner, they wouldn’t be able to prevent it, would they?”
} Jason was so close to breaking underneath all of the pain and though he knew that she was doing what she could, he simply couldn’t see the light. Talking about it had been like opening a flood gate and there was simply too much to be let out of such a little opening and the pressure was becoming too much. He preferred to drown in his own misery than to talk about it even though he knew it was so much better to let it out, but trapping it inside meant nobody else around him had to suffer, at least as far as he was concerned; they didn’t have to see the gaping wound reopened day after day even if they knew it was. Oh, the boy was no good at keeping his emotions sealed up inside of him; his eyes always betrayed that smile on his face, but at the very least he could cover it up enough to get on with the things that mattered day to day, like helping the children trapped inside of the hospital. And though no matter how hard he tried to work around it, telling himself he really was doing a good thing being there for them, the truth was every child he saw since the loss of his own added to that crushing weight on him and brought him that much closer to breaking. He had been lucky enough to avoid the pediatrics for most of the day, but driving past the park after school let out and seeing the kids with their parents and their friends smiling and laughing was enough to bring him to tears. Or when he had to go past the elementary school around lunch time and the littlest kids were out at recess. They were all reminders of what had been so cruelly ripped away from him. Some people would say since the child had never been alive, why mourn for it’s death, but those were the people who had never suffered through the loss or the people who saw absolutely no wrong in abortion. The way Jason saw it, Noah had been alive. He had had a heartbeat, at least for a little while. And he had moved, even if he hadn’t ever moved around much. The first time Ana had really been able to feel him move, Jason had been laying right beside her and been lucky enough to feel it, too. Something that was never really alive couldn’t do that or completely shatter somebody’s heart. And that simple memory of feeling that tiny kick was enough to bring tears to his eyes. Resting his elbows on the table, he pressed his palms against his eyes, choking back the tears that were threatening to overtake him.
_________________________tagged . sarai montgomery word count . 1,380 wearing . somebody tell me whynotes . aww, your's definitely made me tear up a bit.
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Post by Sarai Montgomery on Jan 15, 2010 14:16:03 GMT -6
SARAI JORDANA MONTGOMERYVALKYRIE HOSPITAL, BREAK ROOM, DECEMBER 2007 [/font][/center] -----sarai wished that there was more that she could offer him. her advice, her words of encouragement, and just sitting beside him didn't feel like enough to her. it didn't feel like she was doing all that she could when in reality, sarai was doing just about as much as anyone could do who hadn't experienced that kind of loss. no matter how much she guessed, or feared, sarai didn't actually know the heart-wrenching feel of losing a child. how could she? the closest thing to a child sarai ever had was her four year old sister and some of the young cancer patients in peds that hd been there for years. you get so attached to children with that kind of strength and courage, the kind of children who worry about their parents and not themselves or the slim chance of life they have before them. you learn to admire those children who know nothing of selfishness and what it feels like to put yourself above others. they simply want the best for the people in their lives when they should be thinking about their own life. it was really a tremendous, enlightening experience to work with such brave souls. with what she witnessed on a daily basis, sarai could understand why she hadn't seen jason in peds. she could understand how looking at someone's newborn or someone's toddler could make him think of all of what could have been. the kind of trouble your mind gets you into...it's never ending.
-----sarai looked over at jason, nodding as he spoke. "i never said it would be easy. getting past something like this has to rank high up there with other seemingly impossible things to do like flying without a plane or walking on the moon. it's not easy and quite frankly i'm sure it'll never be easy, but at least you're not in it alone. sure ana may have lost her child and she may be in tremendous pain, but at least someone close to her, someone she trusts, feels the same way and knows just what she's going through. you can be there for her in a way that no one else can." sarai caught the nervous glance and winced slightly. "i know the thought of seeing a psychologist sounds scary, but no one's going to think you're crazy. people see shrinks more frequently than you think. you don't have to be crazy to have someone professional to talk to." she shook her head as he spoke. "the good thing about being in a professional field such as ours is that no one is going to come to that conclusion. now say you were a construction worker, for example. if you told your boss or co-worker that you were seeing a shrink they may come to that conclusion. as doctors we see how progressive talking to shrinks can be. we don't tend to see it as crazy, we see it as seeking aid in a time when you need it. people aren't going to think of you like that, especially in this business." she understood how concerned jason would be. people tended to have a fear of professional help thinking that it meant someone was crazy, but that often wasn't the case. it could be as simple as just having someone to talk to, someone not emotionally involved, who could give advice to you. you didn't have to take it, but those people tended to give you options that you often wouldn't consider because you were too blinded by the stress or the situation.
-----"i do think it could help. it's not just for crazies. whoever you talk to may even be able to help you get past this, you and ana, together. they offer a stable environment where you two can talk to each other and can step in if things get out of hand, which wouldn't happen if you were just speaking to each other in your own home or something." she stopped herself, sinking a little into her chair. "don't take this the wrong way, i don't want to push you into it. i just think it could help you. it's just an option." she noticed that he didn't mention anything more about religion and just kind of let the subject fall. she wasn't really the best person to talk to about all of that seeing as how she wasn't even sure how much she believed. was there someone with an all seeing eye and the power to turn a person's world upside down? she didn't know. sarai was skeptical to anything that had to do with religion. it kind of came with the territory of being a doctor. you saw proof again and again that science prevailed over religion. she didn't understand how some people could believe so whole-heartedly in science, and believe in god at the same time. it was almost as if you had to believe one or the other. she couldn't seem to find a happy medium for both, at least it created one hell of a confusion in her head, so sarai was happier to not think about religion at all. science was proven, her job consisted of science, and anything else was just going to have to be seen.
-----"i'm not saying you have to see one now, but if you two can move on and want to try again some day in the future, just let me know and i'll see what i can get done for you." she saw some semblance of a smile and thought that maybe, just maybe, for a second she'd helped. as his smile faded and he spoke again, sarai realized it was just a moment of short lived happiness, if at all. "if something goes wrong again, which i doubt it will, then they will be prepared for it. they don't specialize in it for nothing. they know advanced technology better than general practitioners, and they'll be able to do something that a regular doctor wouldn't be able to do." it seemed like there was no helping him. though sarai was sure that she'd done something, or even gave him an option he hadn't considered, there was no picking him up out of his gloom. that was all on jason. still, it was nice to think that she'd done even a little something for him. she was about to stand when she saw jason hunch over the table, his hands over his eyes, "come here." she said as she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. "it's going to get better jason. i have to believe that, and if you want to get through this, you have to believe it too."
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status • finished
words • 1357
tagged • jason !
clothes • scrubs, with matching pink pants.
listening to • alone - heart.
notes • --.
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Post by Jason Irving on Jan 15, 2010 18:09:46 GMT -6
} His head tilted to the side a bit when she said people in their field would be more understanding about their employees going to talk to a psychologist more than other fields were and a thoughtful look flickered across his face. “I never looked at it that way,” he said with a little shrug. “I figured with all that we have to do, they would want ‘mentally sound’ doctors around, I never thought about them being more accepting about it.” Now that he thought about it, he supposed it made sense. The doctors and nurses would completely understand reasonings behind going to see a shrink since they knew a whole lot more about the human body than construction workers did. They may not study the mind in the same way that psychologists and psychiatrists did but they still knew how it worked. “I guess I will bring it up then. I mean, I, I don’t want to force her in to doing anything that she doesn’t want to do, but when you look at it that way, it does make sense.” It still wasn’t an idea he was fond of, but if there was the tiniest chance it might help them pull through, he was willing to give anything a shot. Letting out a little sigh, he nodded his head as she continued, really starting to understand why it wasn’t an awful option. Heck, Ana was probably right, he probably had needed to see someone after his wreck so he could understand why he had frequent, vivid nightmares months and months after it happened. Maybe that would have helped so he wouldn’t still have them, though they were far less frequent. Weeks apart instead of hours. He just wished he hadn’t been so blind to that idea at the time. And the worst case scenario was that they lost out on some money if the psychologist didn’t help. There was nothing saying they absolutely had to go back.
} “No, no, you’re right. I think it’s a good idea. It’s just…not one I would have thought of,” he said quietly, still churning the idea over in his head. Ana would probably wonder why he was suggesting that now after he had almost immediately shot down her suggestion of it months ago. “I’ll do anything to work this out.” He started chewing on his lip as she continued talking about a pregnancy specialist, thinking that might not be a terrible idea, either. That way they knew next time around, though he figured that wouldn’t be for a couple years if they decided they wanted to risk it again, that they would be doing everything possible. And maybe the next time it would actually be planned so they wouldn’t be nearly as stressed out about it, either. They had nearly everything they’d need for a nursery, which was now locked away in the blue room that still needed one more coat, granted, it was all for a boy, but they had a fifty-fifty chance. No, thinking about having another child right now wasn’t something he wanted to do. He had locked the soon-to-be nursery up the moment he arrived home after that awful night. “I’m sure it won’t be for a few years unless it ends up completely unplanned like this one,” he started off slowly, but he was sure from now on, until they were ready, they would be sure to take every precaution possible. “But that would probably be a good thing to do, just…just to reassure us that aren’t doing anything wrong.” He let out a little sigh as that single pessimistic thought popped into his mind, wiping the slight hint of a smile off of his face as he voiced it, once again simply nodding his head as Sarai spoke. “So basically they’d be giving us the best chance possible that he or she would actually-” he broke off there, letting her finish his sentence as she wanted to. Thinking about “replacing” Noah wasn’t something he wanted to do this shortly after his death. Oh, he knew their unborn son could never truly be replaced, but that’s what it sort of felt like he was thinking about. Every thought about their lost little boy was pushing him closer and closer to the edge.
} The kind gesture from Sarai as she put her arms around him was all it took for him to finally crack, though it was really what he needed. It took everything in him to keep the tears that were building from overflowing and yet they won anyways, escaping from his closed eyes as he seemed to just melt into her arms, resting his head on her shoulder as silent sobs shook his body. It was the first time he had really broken down since that first night when he arrived home from the hospital alone, as they had wanted to keep her overnight just in case. Oh he had cried from time to time, but it was never anything more than the tears he had been holding back for so long simply streaming down his face. Even at the funeral it was all he could manage, though there it had been him trying to distance himself from the reality of what was happening. Now it was just a release of everything that had been bottled up since their lost. “I know,” he choked out between sobs, for once fully letting himself lean on someone for their support. “It just doesn’t seem possible right now.”
} After a few moments, he managed to collect himself, and he gave her a small squeeze before gently pulling from her hug. “I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean to lose it like that.” he sniffed as a few sobless tears continued to roll down his face. He really hated to crack like that around anyone, even his closest friends. Wiping the tears from his face, he turned his dark eyes to her. “Thank you. For everything. You gave me a lot to think about.” Giving her a small smile that didn’t meet his eyes in the slightest, he ran his fingers underneath of his eyes again, getting the remaining moisture. She had pointed out a lot of ideas he would have never even thought of and though he didn’t really want to admit it, talking to her had helped at least a little bit. The hurt was still there and just as deep as ever, but he could feel the slightest little bit of hope where it hadn’t been before.
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