Post by Jason Irving on Oct 23, 2009 17:12:47 GMT -6
[/color]VALKYRIE,
CALIFORNIA
the ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
i‘ve got all i want when it comes to loving you[/font][/center]
WHEN THE OCEAN MET THE SKY ,[/color]
CHARACTER BASICS ,
you missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye[/color]
FULL NAME: Jason Andrew Irving[/font]
NICKNAMES: Jay, but only his fiancé calls him that.
GENDER: Male
AGE: Twenty-Two
UNIVERSITY YEAR: Fifth
MAJOR: Pediatric Medicine
MINOR: -
JOB: -
PLAYBY: Joe Jonas
YOUR BODY MAY BE GONE ,[/color]
CHARACTER APPEARANCE ,
i'm gonna carry you in my head, in my heart, in my soul[/color]
ETHNICITY: American and Italian[/font]
HAIR COLOR: Dark brown, almost black.
EYE COLOR: Dark brown
HEIGHT: Five foot, ten inches
WEIGHT: One-Sixty
BODY TYPE: Jason has a tall, athletic build. His arms are slightly muscular, though he doesn’t spend a lot of the time in a gym. If he’s working out, he’s running, so though he has muscles, he’s no body builder.
DISTINGUISHED FEATURES: Due to an almost fatal car wreck Jason was in, he has a variety of scars along his body, the most noticeable two being the one on his left temple that’s about an inch long, though his hair almost always covers it, and the one on his left wrist that’s a couple inches long from the broken windshield. The others are mostly along his arms and his left leg, but they’re not nearly as noticeable. Down his left side are two long, thin scars from the surgeries he had after the wreck that stretch the entire length of his torso.
Jason’s eyes are also rather noticeable. They’re a deep brown color that almost always seem to be smiling. They also show every emotion he’s feeling to the point anyone can read him pretty well and those that are close to him can usually decipher why he’s feeling that way.
PERSONAL STYLE: Jason is very fashion-conscious for a guy. He likes to wear fitted jeans, blazers, vests, almost anything that’s seen in Hollywood, just brought down to a not-so-celebrity level. It’s rare that he wears sweatpants out unless he’s going for a run, so on a lazy day he’ll just wear jeans and a nice t-shirt. He does enjoy his zip-up hoodies, though, and some, well, rather different hats.
OTHER: If Jason’s out in public going for a swim or on the beach, it’s not unusual for him to leave his shirt on, unlike most guys. Reason being he’s still rather self conscious about the scars on his side, even though he’s had them for nearly a year.
IN YOUR MOUTH, IN YOUR SOUL ,[/color]
CHARACTER PERSONALITY ,
the more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind[/color]
STRENGTHS: Upbeat, happy, always smiling, making others laugh, playing piano and guitar, confidence, relaxed, passionate, great with kids, fast learner, fashionable for a guy, committed, smart, good at baseball, protective of his fiancé, almost to a flaw.[/font]
WEAKNESSES: Letting things go, blames himself a lot, self conscious, driving at times, Anabel.
LIKES: At the top of Jason’s list of things he likes would definitely be his fiancé, Miss Anabel Bailey. They’ve been together for over a year now and after everything they had been through, hearing her say yes when he popped the question was the best moment in his life. He also loves to make people laugh, whether he’s cracking jokes or accidentally tripping over his own two feet. Jason can play piano and guitar very well and he loves to do either or when he has the time. Playing for Ana is definitely his favorite time to be playing. Even though he can be a little nervous behind the wheel, he loves to go for long drives when he has the time; with school, spare time is very limited. He loves to run, sometimes just because, but when he’s stressed, it’s a good outlet for him. His family means the world to him, even though they’re on the other side of the country. It’s clear he misses them, especially his little brother. He loves kids and he cannot wait to have his own, though if all goes as planned, it’ll be a few years. Colonie, New York is his hometown and he definitely likes the place as well as New York City. He swears there is no better place to go shopping than the Big Apple. Starry nights bring back good memories since it was a starry night when he proposed to Annie. He also loves cuddling with her, whether they’re falling asleep or watching a movie on the couch. He also likes it when they’re watching a movie curled up on the couch and they, uh, forget what it is they’re watching.
DISLIKES: Jason is not a fan of alcohol at all. He never liked the effects it had on people and then he was almost killed in a hit and run car wreck that almost killed him, the driver of the other car most likely a drunk leaving the nearby bar to cause the damage it did. Later on, he turned into an alcoholic after he cheated on Annie and when he finally stopped, it made him hate alcohol even more. He also learned just how awful a hangover really was. Rap music sounds more like noise to him than actual music. Anytime he gets into an argument, he always feels terrible afterwards and he can’t stand hurting people. After the wreck he was in, he isn’t fond of the sound of breaking glass because it reminds him of it. He also can’t stand when he can’t do anything, like for the month after he was hit. He spent two weeks in the hospital and then he couldn’t do anything for a while afterwards, both because of the doctor’s orders and he just physically hurt. When it comes to friends, he hates it when a friend turns their back; he tries to be the best friend he can be so he’s not the one to turn his back. He doesn’t like it when girls are super clingy to their boyfriends or when they cake on makeup; he’d just rather see a woman’s natural beauty. He can’t stand watching a man hurt a woman, whether the guy is using her, cheating on her or just shouting at her. If he were to be completely honest, he doesn’t exactly like himself after he cheated on his girlfriend. It was something he found awful to begin with and then he went and started drinking, doing multiple things he hated. It’s slowly getting better but he’s still not his favorite person.
FLAWS: Though Jason has an open mind, he can be rather set in his ways and quite stubborn sometimes. It’s also very easy to know what he’s feeling just by looking in his eyes no matter how hard he tries to hide it. He’s also very, very klutzy and tends to trip over himself and end up in the hospital for stitches rather often.
HABITS: Jason has very gentleman-like habits; it’s the way he was raised. He’ll open doors for people around him and hold open the car door for his fiancé or any other of his lady friends when they’re riding together.
When it comes to just little quirks, Jason tends to chew on the inside of his lip when he’s nervous or deep in thought and when he’s driving, he’s still a little overly cautious at times. He also tends to get his hair out of his eyes with a flip of his head.
SECRETS: It’s not exactly a secret, but Jason doesn’t often talk about why he left New York. After a long fight after spending two years in a relationship with almost no disagreements, Jason’s girlfriend decided it was over. It was the first time he had ever really been in a relationship and he wasn’t sure how to take it, so he decided to get away and he ended up on the other side of the country.
One thing that Jason will not talk about unless he absolutely has to is his infidelity with Annie. A few months after the wreck he was in, she decided they needed to take a break because he was still having issues getting over the scars on his side, he was even hesitant to take his shirt off around his unofficial fiancé. A few days later, because he was being so anti-social, his friend came over to check on him. He had dated her for a couple months after he first moved here and she still had feelings for him. Well, she ended up kissing him and he took it much farther than he should have. Annie came over to talk to him and pick up some of the stuff she left behind and when she walked into his bedroom, his ex was sitting on top of him, topless, which was completely out of character for him. After she caught him cheating on her, Jason felt terrible and he ended up spending two long months drinking, again, completely out of character for him. It was only after he ran into her at a party where he ended up trashed that he quit drinking. She had taken him back to his place and stayed overnight at his house to set him straight.
BEST MEMORY: The first night Jason and Annie spent in New York, Jason’s little brother had the family playing a game of Clue Junior out on Dr. and Dr. Irving’s second level patio. When they were done with the game, Jason pulled her engagement ring from his pocket and slid it under the blanket they had over top of the two of them. Quietly, just so she was the only one who could hear it, he told her she didn’t necessarily have to answer him right then if she didn’t want to, and he asked her to marry him. He was a bit concerned that he might be rushing things since they had only been a couple again for about two months, but when she threw her arms around his neck and told him yes, it was definitely the best moment of his life.
WORST MEMORY: For a while, it was what he remembered from the crash he was in; the headlights coming way too fast at his car, the sounds of metal on metal and breaking glass and the sharp pain in his forehead from where he cracked his head on the side of his car. Since he passed out then, the next thing that he remembers is waking up in the back of an ambulance and an unbearable pain going through the left side of his rib cage. It haunted him for quite some time and there are times where it still does, but now his worst memory is when he cheated on his girlfriend. His ex had come over to check on him since he had become very anti social after the break with his girlfriend and since he is so klutzy, she was concerned he might have hurt himself. To make a long story short, she kissed him and he used her to get away from his pain. His girlfriend ended up coming over to his house and walking in on them and the hurt look on her face when she saw Jason’s topless ex on top of him is a look he will never forget along with some of the last words she said to him that night before he broke his wrist.
OVERALL PERSONALITY: Jason is a very, very loyal and committed friend and boyfriend. If any of his friends need him, he will drop what he’s doing in a heartbeat to go help them, whether he’s there to listen, give advice or just be a crying shoulder. He hates to burden others with his problems, but he’s more than willing to listen to others’. When it comes to relationships, Jason’s only been in four total but only once did his loyalty to his girlfriend ever waver and that was when they were “taking a break”. He was hurting and it seemed like making out with his ex would help. It ended up going further and when his girlfriend walked in, he realized just how out of character it was for him to be in that position with his ex. He’s not the sort of person to overuse the words “I love you” either. He only says them when he means them.
He’s also quite outgoing. Jason’s not the sort of type to just throw himself into the center of attention, but he’s also not one to back out of it, either. He definitely likes making others laugh, but his sense of humor isn’t at all crude. He’s the kind of person that someone can be around in a terrible mood and after spending ten minutes with Jason, that person is smiling and laughing again. He hates seeing people upset, so he’ll do his best to help out his friends, but when nothing else works or when they insist it’s something they have to work out on their own, he does what he does best and makes them smile. Since he is so outgoing, it’s not difficult for him to make friends; he’s not afraid to be the first person to speak up. A lot of times, a few exchange of words turns into two great friends. And Jason’s not just outgoing, he’s quite optimistic, too. He tends to have “the glass is half full” outlook on life.
Since Jason’s in medical school, obviously he’s rather smart, though it’s not all book smarts. He never really had to study until his second year of college, and that was when he quickly learned what ways worked and what ways didn’t. He’s also quite logical and unlike some brainy people, he does have common sense.
It’s likely that Jason is probably the klutziest person on the earth, starting when he was just learning how to walk. The boy was eleven months when he took his first steps and when he lost his balance, he fell forward and cracked his head open on the side of their coffee table, not the corner, the blunt side. He ended up with three stitches on his little forehead and that was the first of many hospital trips, though few were actually in an ambulance. He also ended up falling off of his bike when he was about eight, barefoot even though his mother told him time and time again to wear shoes when he was riding his bike, and he ended up splitting his foot open some how or another. When he was fifteen, Jason had his first ambulance ride. He was riding his horse when she decided to propel him over a jump instead of going over it herself. He landed on his back on the jump quite hard and he wasn’t allowed to move in case he had damaged part of his spine. Being a young man, of course it annoyed him, lying uncomfortably on a wooden pole until the ambulance got there. The most recent accidental injury was when he fell down his steps and broke his wrist.
He’s also very guilt ridden; anytime he gets into an argument with anyone for whatever reason, it always hinders him long after the other person has buried it, especially when the person means a lot to him. His guilt’s gotten worse ever since he cheated on Annie. He’s finally accepted that she’s forgiven him, but there are times when he still asks why and he still hasn’t completely forgiven himself. It’s just something that takes a while with him, especially since he really hurt her at the time.
His parents raised him right; he’s definitely a gentleman. He’ll hold doors open for people, open the car door for his girlfriend when she’s riding with him and unless it’s just him and Annie, he still excuses himself from the dinner table. Another thing they taught him that he still lives by is that sex isn’t something that should be done casually. It doesn’t necessarily need to wait until marriage, but it’s definitely something that needs to wait until it’s related with love.
AND WE'LL BOTH GROW OLD ,[/color]
CHARACTER HISTORY ,
well i don't know, i don't know, i don't know, i hope so[/color]
HOMETOWN: Colonie, New York[/size][/font]
PARENTS: Jacob Anthony Irving (fifty years) and Sophia AvaLawsonIrving (forty-eight years)
SIBLINGS: Dylan Ray Irving (eight years)
OTHER: -
LIVING SITUATION: The Valks
HISTORY: Jason’s parents, Sophie and Jake Irving, met during their first year of medical school. They both came from very wealthy families, though they didn’t know that about each other until after they started dating. It didn’t take long for them once they met to fall in love and when he was twenty four, Jake proposed to his twenty two year old girlfriend and they married a year later. They decided it would be best to wait until they both finished school to start a family since medical school took up a lot of time for the both of them. Shortly after Sophie graduated, they started to try for a family. When she was twenty six, they introduced their first son into the world, Mister Jason Andrew Irving.
Jason was born on January seventeenth, three and a half weeks before his due date in his parents’ hometown of Colonie New York. They had lived their for their entire lives and lived less than ten minutes away from both of their parents. Though Jason was considered early, he was otherwise in good health, suffering only from jaundice like many premature babies and it ended up being nothing too serious and he left the hospital only a few days after he was born.
His childhood was nothing more than average, even with his parents’ money. His house was nice, his clothes were nice but most of all, his family was nice. They weren’t the kind of people who would flaunt their money around; they looked at having money as being beneficial in case something happened to where one or both of them couldn’t work, not to say they didn‘t buy things they didn‘t need; like everyone does, they had their guilty pleasures. Sophie and Jake both worked as surgeons at one of the local hospitals, bringing in large paychecks at the end of the month. Of course, with Jason being rather klutzy, he landed himself at the hospital quite often and it was nice that Sophie and Jake knew a good portion of the other hospital employees.
Jason went to a private school in Colonie until he was fourteen and he did not like it at all. The kids who went there, like him, came from families with money, but unlike the Irvings, a good portion of them were arrogant, stuck up. He clearly remembers when one of his neighbors he went to school with was arguing with one of their classmates about who had the bigger yacht. Because of the way his classmates were, he was rather quiet. He was still his sweet, polite self, just quieter. He made a few friends, though they weren’t necessarily inseparable friends.
Fourteen was a big year for Jason. One of the friends he had made rode horses in her spare time and took Jason up to the barn with her a few times and his parents thought it would be good for him to start taking lessons since he enjoyed the time he spent around the large animals. Sophie was pregnant again and Jason’s little brother, Dylan, was born. From the time the little boy was brought home, Jason absolutely adored him. He also talked his parents into getting out of the public school and going to the local public school for the next school year.
At the public school, it didn’t take long for Jason to open up. The kids there came from all sorts of social statuses; there was no need to compete to see who had the most money. Not to say there wasn’t any typical high school drama, but he enjoyed it much, much more than his private school. He made quite a few good friends at Colonie High and he still talks to his three best friends. Only a couple months into being at Colonie, Jason had his first girlfriend. She was nice, sweet, pretty…at least she appeared to be. Only two weeks into their relationship, one of his friends found out that she only wanted to be with him because of his family’s money. Poor fourteen year old Jason wasn’t happy to find that out and he broke up with her.
At the age of fifteen, Sophie and Jake bought Jason his first horse, Catchphrase, or Casey as she was known around the barn. His riding lessons had gone wonderfully and he had started jumping. The mare was a sixteen hand, chestnut thoroughbred mare with a big, white blaze and four white stockings; a definite eye catcher in the show ring. He had been competing with school horses and been doing great, but his parents figured he might do even better with his own horse. She wasn’t an easy ride, though, and he ended up on the ground quite often until he really learned her quirks. Once they learned how to work together, though she’d still pull her stunts, they became a great team. Showing, they almost always came out in the ribbons, at least in their over fences classes. In the flat classes, Casey would get bored from time to time, just as she would when they were working on the flat. The two tried dressage, but neither one of them enjoyed it, so they stuck to their flat classes and jumping.
When he was eighteen, Jason started dating one of his best friends, Hayley. It was wonderful for the two long years it lasted. She was the first real relationship he had been in and he fell head over heels in love with her. She was a year behind him in school and the two, along with their two other best friends, went to New York State University together, living in an apartment they rented. After dating for about a year, they took the physical step in their relationship. Neither one of them had ever been that far before and one afternoon when they were off from school and Jason’s parents were off from work, his parents took Dylan to the mall to get his picture with Santa, leaving Jason and Hayley home alone like they had many times before. The two would often sit around and watch TV or lay in his bed, cuddling and talking or playing video games. That day, though, their cuddling went much farther that it usually did. Their sexual relationship didn’t change much in their relationship, possibly because they didn’t have that much alone time. They were eighteen and until they went away to college, they lived with their parents. Neither one of them were the type to sneak around, though, so when they were together and left alone, it was great, if not, they survived. When they did go away to college, they shared an apartment with their two best friends, so they had even less time together. It wasn’t too big of a deal to them. Their relationship lasted for another year, living together during the school year, staying with their family over the summer. They’d take vacations together with their other friends and his family and spend time together that way. Well, for a few weeks towards the end of their relationship, they started arguing a lot though they had never really fought before. When they did it was just awkward. Finally, she told him she thought it was better if they weren’t together anymore, breaking the boy’s heart for the first time.
He had no idea what to do, he hurt and that was that. It was the start of summer, so he decided he had to get away and he packed up his silver BMW and left New York, leaving everything he had behind. His friends, his family and his memories. He just drove, stopping in a town somewhere for a night or two before he’d continue on his way, trying to get away from the heartache he felt. Not long before late applications were due, Jason ended up clear across country, here, where he is now, and applied for school here so he could finish school, or at least go for a year. As usual, he made some friends pretty quickly and settled in nicely. One of the girls he met he ended up dating for a couple months, but there was no spark and his mind kept jumping back to Hayley anytime he’d kiss her.
One day he was in one of the bookstores and, as usual, he ended up tripping over his own two feet. A short little blond said something to him and within five minutes of talking to each other, she asked him out. That short little blond is now Jason’s fiancé. They never were really “just friends” though they’re the best of friends now. There was just something about her he liked, possibly how forward she was. He wasn’t the first one to speak up and they kept the conversation going. It wasn’t until they realized it was quite late and they had class the next morning that they realized they probably needed to get going and exchanged numbers so they could go out some other time. It wasn’t the way Jason usually worked, but there was something he liked about her and he was willing to try something new.
A few months after they were together, Jason was involved in a near fatal car wreck where a drunk driver slammed into his driver side door and somehow managed to drive away. Jason’s car was totaled, the impact crushing the door onto him and knocking him unconscious. One of the women who lived in a nearby apartment heard the noise produced by the crash and walked outside to see what it was and she saw the shattered silver car in the middle of the intersection and immediately called the cops, walking over to the car to see just how bad the damage was. Poor Jason was unconscious and bleeding to death. The wreck had caused him to split his head open and the glass from his windshield had landed all along his body, one rather large piece wedged into the vein in his arm. The metal from the door had slice open his leg and internally he was bleeding, too. When the paramedics arrived, they were shocked to find that he still had a pulse and rushed him to the hospital as soon as they could get to him. The young man regained consciousness on the way to the hospital, a pain going down his side that he thought was killing him. His ribs had been broken from the impact and it wasn’t a pleasant way to feel his first broken bone, or bones as they case was. When he arrived at the hospital, they stopped his bleeding as much as possible and told him he needed surgery to stop the internal bleeding. They also pinned a few of his ribs together to keep them from possibly making the situation any worse. He was told by two doctors and his surgeon he shouldn’t have survived the initial impact, much less the ride to the hospital. When he was released from the hospital, Annie moved in with him to take care of him since he couldn’t even walk up his own stairs at the time, though he insisted he didn’t need any help. It ended up being a fantastic decision on her part and he enjoyed falling asleep with her by his side when he could finally sleep comfortably laying down again. Only a month after the accident, though he was told to wait until he was back at the doctor’s before doing any strenuous activity, they had sex for the first time. When he did go back to figure out why he was still hurting, he was told he needed to face his fear of surgery yet again because he still had a few ribs that weren’t healing properly.
The accident had more than just a physical effect on Jason, it also effected him mentally. He became incredibly nervous when he drove his new car, his eyes wouldn’t waver from the road and his fingers would clench the wheel, like it would stop an oncoming vehicle. He started having vivid nightmares and he’d wake up drenched in sweat, his heart feeling like it was going to jump out of his chest. And even around Ana, no matter how much she insisted they didn’t bother her, he hated to be without a shirt. It got to the point that when she was taking his shirt off one day and ran her hand across his scars, he pulled away from her without even realizing he did. They started talking and he found out a few nights before, he had kicked her in his sleep during one of his nightmares and left a bruise on her ankle. He decided he’d sleep in the other room because he couldn’t risk kicking her harder or hitting her in his sleep and after a difficult talk, they came to the conclusion he needed to get himself figured out and then they could actually be together again, they just needed to take a break. The way it had happened felt much more like an actual breakup and felt like it was going to kill him.
A few days afterwards, Jason’s ex had come over to see why he wasn’t answering her calls or her texts. They were still friends and it wasn’t like him at all. When she came into his house, she ended up in his room where he was and he slid over so she could sit on his bed and they could talk. She still had feelings for him and he knew it, but he didn’t really acknowledge it. She ended up kissing him and for some reason, it seemed to put his hurt to the back of his mind and he kept kissing her. His hands slid down her sides and he ended up working her shirt off over her head, not at all in his right mind. Well, Annie had decided to come over that day and talk to him and when she, too, let herself in, she walked in to see his ex straddling him, topless and making him moan. When Jason heard Ana whimper, he realized that he was using his best friend and he had just broken his girlfriend’s heart.
He tried so hard to apologize but he knew it was useless. What he had done was stupid, people like that didn’t deserve to be in the kind of relationship he had had with Ana. That was when he tripped down his steps and threw his wrist out to catch himself, snapping it. He tried to give Annie her engagement ring, telling her just to keep it but she wouldn’t take it and he let it fall to the floor when she left and he didn’t pick it up for a couple months. Anyways, after she left, he laid down on his couch and cried until he made himself sick; what kind of idiot would just throw away the woman they loved like he did? After that, he decided to go for a run since that’s what he’d do when he was upset though he had really gotten out of shape after his surgeries. He ended up downtown by a club and he ended up going in there and that was when he started drinking. It started out as just a couple beers; that was enough to get him drunk enough to forget why he was hurting. The more time he spent at the clubs, the longer it took him to get drunk and after a while he turned to much harder alcohol and it got to the point he wouldn’t remember how he got home. He always walked to the clubs, though, he wasn’t about to put someone through what he had gone through by driving drunk. It got to the point that his drinking was almost dangerous to him; he’d remember less and less each time he’d wake up the next morning. The one thing he was sure of was that he never, ever slept with any of the women who were at the club. That was what had caused his problem, he wasn’t going to make it worse. Any time he sobered up, he knew if he ended up sleeping with anyone, it would make his addiction worse.
One day at a back to school party, he ran into Annie with a beer in his hand. It was the first time they had conversed since they broke up and though it started out uncomfortable, it got to where they were almost friends again, at least until he was three beers in and headed out to his car to get the bottle of Jack Daniels he bought before the party. He had downed about half of the bottle before she realized what he was drinking was not another beer. She drove him back to his house and after he tripped and fell on his injured wrist on the way up his front steps (since he never got his wrist looked at) she decided she might as well go in and make sure he made it up to his bed without falling down the stairs again, but she found that he had been sleeping on the couch; he wanted nothing to do with his bedroom. She ended up taking care of him, getting pajamas for him to sleep in, cleaning up his cuts and such, but when she walked out of his family room to let him get changed, she stepped on her engagement ring that was still on the floor and once again, he tried to get her to take it, telling her the wedding band was upstairs too. He didn’t want to sell them, but he wanted nothing to do with them anymore. After he threw up all of the alcohol that was still in his stomach, she ended up staying overnight on his love seat to make sure he survived the night and when he finally woke up the next morning, she set him straight, telling him he couldn’t just self destruct like he was.
They slowly started becoming friends again and they were going to go apartment hunting one day because Jason didn’t like the neighborhood she was living in and shortly after he showed up, she got a call from her mom saying her father had died. Her father had left her mother after cheating on her and Jason found that out at her mother’s house, the puzzle pieces clicking into place in his mind. The one that still didn’t fit was why she claimed to hate her father and yet she could still be best friends. To sum things up, she realized she didn’t want to have the same regrets her mom did with her father and she did still love Jason and after a long talk, the two ended up getting back together. Two months later, the two were visiting his family in New York and he proposed to her and here they are now, engaged to be married sometime in the spring.
COLLECTED MY BELONGINGS ,[/color]
ABOUT YOU AND FOR THE ADMINS ,
and i left the jail, well thanks for the time[/color]
YOUR NAME: Emily[/center][/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote][/font][/quote]
GENDER: Female
AGE: Eighteen
RP EXPERIENCE: Somewhere between three and five years.
OTHER CHARACTERS: None
ROLEPLAY EXAMPLE:He kept his gaze away from her when she said he wasn’t really a bastard, giving a little shrug of his shoulders. After she had said it, the words had just seemed to be permanently in his mind and the more he turned them over, the more he began to believe it. If he really wasn’t, then why did he even consider slipping Dahlia’s shirt over her head? Sighing, he stepped out of the car, relieved the be out of the leather-lined furnace, the sharp words still echoing through his head. Though he never wanted to admit it, he was definitely sensitive and any sort of verbal attacks or criticism tended to bother him more than it really should.
Falling into step beside her, he couldn’t help but wonder how well this was going to work out. Of course he was more than willing to work through anything for her, it was himself that he was worried about for once. He was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to let his mistake go. Yes, her forgiveness was something he hadn’t exactly expected and it was nice to have, but it wasn’t something he felt like he deserved. He was still beating himself up over it and he knew that was something he was going to have to put behind him if they wanted this to work and he wasn’t sure how well he’d be able to do that. Oh, it wouldn’t be easy, that was for sure, but if she could forgive him for ripping her heart out, maybe he could find it in him somewhere to forgive himself. Of course, the question on why Dahlia had even been in his bed to start with was probably still strong on Ana’s mind, though that was easy enough to explain. It had been quite innocent to start with, just one friend helping another. And then she had felt the need to tell him she still loved him and instead of just voicing it, she had kissed him. No, he had told himself he wasn’t going to blame any of it on Day. He could have easily pulled away; kissing her back was something he had chosen to do, just like he had chosen to pull her shirt off and drop her bra to the floor beside it. He didn’t want any memories of that to flood back at any certain time and cause more problems than they already had, that was for sure.
His hand flinched ever so slightly at first as he felt her fingers lace through his before he relaxed, looking from their hands up to her face, a small smile quite similar to hers on his face. Lately, he had been incredibly anti-touch, anti-anything, really. For the past two months he seemed to have a solid, iron box around his heart, not wanting to let anything in or out. He had trapped all of his hurt in and locked out any sense of anyone’s kindness towards him. Maybe that’s why he had really let all of this chew him up, like Dozer and Ana’s shoes; he hadn’t let it out. He had tried, yes, but not in the right way. The alcohol didn’t flood it out, it only brought him down more. It was a true, true depressant for him, though he never remembered how low he had actually sunk in his alcohol-induced stupors. The times where he had believed everyone would be better off if he had been killed in the wreck only existed behind a heavy curtain of whiskey in his mind.
It was amazing how her fingers intertwined through his made him feel so much better. No, he was far from perfect, but it was like something had fallen back into place. He almost wanted to pull her towards him and just curl up on the couch like they had done many times at his place, but that would come in time. Right now, they had to start over with a clear slate and take things slow, maybe even slower than the had the first time through. It would be nice to just sweep her off of her feet and take her into her bed, but that would definitely have to wait. He wasn’t ready for that yet. That was a ways off, even if she decided she wanted to move back in with him and even that didn’t seem like a good idea until they were sure they could work out all of their problems. Looking at her face, his eyes tracing over every little detail that he had missed so much in the last two months, wondering why she had a thoughtful look on her face. Nodding his head at her words, he could tell there was something more coming as she shrugged slightly. A small smile played across his face, one that was completely different than the other ones he had lately. This smile actually reached his eyes and held a little bit of hope in it, though he told himself to take it easy. There was a lot they had to work out; there was no guarantee it would work no matter how badly he wanted it to. He just didn’t want to set himself up for another heartbreak. Taking a slow breath, he glanced down at his feet, shaking his head when she said she needed him, more to himself than to her. “Ana, I don‘t want you to have any regrets. Same ones your mom had or not.” Biting his lip, he tried to figure out how to word what he was thinking. “And, well, there‘s a difference between needing and wanting,” he sighed, not sure if what he was saying was coming out the way he wanted it to. He didn’t want her to think he was doubting her, but he just wanted to make sure he understood clearly. “Are you sure you just weren’t…weren’t missing what we were?” That seemed to work, though he still wasn’t sure it was what he was really thinking.
Glancing up at her, there was finally a real spark of life in his eyes as she asked him if he was ready to start their relationship over and he squeezed her hand, debating whether or not to scoot closer to her. “Yes,” he said quietly, a smile spreading across his face. Looking down at his knees, he sighed slightly, so happy that they might be able to work things out. “Ana, I‘m so sorry I messed things up before,” he started, shaking his head to tell her to let him finish. “I still can’t figure out why I did that, all I knew is that the entire time I was reasoning with myself, saying ‘oh, we’re on a break, this isn’t a big deal.’” Sighing again, he looked over at the black brace on his wrist, squeezing that hand closed and open slowly as he continued. “And I know you‘ve forgiven me, but I…I just can‘t seem to…to forgive myself,” he finally finished quietly, hoping he didn’t seem overly dramatic. He could talk about so much more, about how the hurt look on her face had been there, clear as day in his mind for the past two months or how he would hear her frustrated screech in his sleep, but that seemed like too much. Without drawing it out too much, he managed to sum up why he still hated himself, one of the many reasons it hurt to look at her when they had actually seen each other in those long two months apart.
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credit: format by lainey, lyrics by modest mouse
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